I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
