can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
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