Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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