I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
