hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I want her autograph on my taint
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
