You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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