We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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