Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You dont lie about slip and slides
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
