she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
