The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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