Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
