no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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