A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
When are your genitals available?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
