I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
