Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
