If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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