i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
