Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
