a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Randomize