Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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