note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
