I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
