JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
