his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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