You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
