Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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