Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize