I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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