I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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