i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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