Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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