drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There's always time for handjobs
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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