you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just found puke in my bra..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
