So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
