Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
