i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I got inside last night via doggy door
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
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