Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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