Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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