I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
