i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I could make wine with my vomit
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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