Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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