I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
