I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
