Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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