Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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