You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
