He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
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