pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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