dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
