I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
