It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
