apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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