Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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