I can text with my tongue
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
