i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
