how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
