I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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