My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
