I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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