i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
