You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
